Have we learned nothing from Bill Clinton?
Remember when, even during the 1992 campaign, all those stories about his mistresses started cropping up? Until the Monica Lewinsky mess and impeachment twisted his arm and forced him to reveal himself to be the hound dog we already knew he was, he adamantly denied the affair stories. When the truth was revealed, it was sad and pathetic. Did he really think we (and Hillary) didn’t know?
All of this entered my mind with the latest (and hopefully last) saga in the John and Elizabeth Edwards soap opera, “The Days of Our Crazy-Ass Lives.” John released a statement finally admitting he was the father of Rielle Hunter’s toddler, and apologized for the repeated denial of that fact to the America public and most grievously his family. Perhaps this was in part to get ahead of the upcoming book of his former campaign aide, who at first stated that he was the father but who later recanted and admitted he was covering for his boss.
Meanwhile, we learned Elizabeth kicked the Ken Doll out of the house and is on her way to filing divorce once North Carolina’s year of separation requirement is fulfilled. And apparently, she accompanied John last month to make a monitored visit of the 2-year-old love child. Remarkably, she had Christmas gifts for the child and encouraged a picture with his daddy.
I think John may be vilified in part because he’s a public figure whose first whiff of scandal wafted from the pages of the National Enquirer. But really, he’s exhibiting traits in human nature found in most of us.
When we do something wrong that threatens our relationship, the first instinct seems to be covering it up. Most of us talk about honesty but we fear that the misdeed or issue at hand will be the one that nets no points for coming clean. It will anger and hurt the other person and make he or she leave. So now the objective is keeping quiet and covering it up if need be.
The problem, though, is that, especially if it’s a biggie like an affair or a love child, you can run but you can’t hide. Forget karma. Circumstances will unlock those secrets soon enough. And then having to admit something you formerly denied becomes worse. You’re double branded for being a deceiver and liar and it looks like you’re playing your loved one for a fool.
From the outside, it’s hard to tell if the paternity of the mistress’ child was the driving force behind Elizabeth’s decision to split from John. But when we knew for certain there was only the affair and John’s claims that he wasn’t with Rielle during the time when she conceived, Elizabeth vowed they would work through it. But shortly after the paternity came to light, that desire to work through it seemed to evaporate.
I can imagine Elizabeth, already dealing with infidelity, was livid that in such a low point, John couldn’t bring himself to admit to everything. The final revelation made everybody foolish – in public, no less. And you couldn’t help but wonder if John copped to everything early on if the marriage couldn’t be saved. Yeah, it’s bad. But it’s easier to figure out what to do and rebuild trust when everything is on the table.
It’s funny how sometimes we think we can’t get caught or we fancy ourselves “protecting” our loved ones from a mistake, when it’s really about absolving ourselves from some of the accountability and ultimately making it easier for us (not the other person).
The whole episode made me think of the immortal words that Judge Judy likes to appropriate: “Don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!”
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Late Bloomers
Is it a case of better late than never?
Recently, two once-famous Baby Boomer actresses – Meredith Baxter (“Family Ties”) and Kelly McGillis (“Top Gun”) – came out. It’s worth noting that both women are hovering around 60.
The public reacted with a shrug, perhaps in part because they haven’t been on the pop culture radar in so long. But when I heard, I wondered if their age may bring up a criticism that has been a bane of our existence: We supposedly choose to be gay.
I know many people wonder why if sexual orientation is really innate, then how can people like Baxter and McGillis lead heterosexual lives for decades, then suddenly “decide” they prefer their own gender?
First, we should remember the times these women grew up in. They understood homosexuality to be a “psychological disorder” into their early adulthood. Living a gay life was not presented as a real or legitimate possibility. So even if there were feelings, they likely saw themselves as not being able to act on them and have a happy career or personal life.
Secondly, and more important, that choice vs. birth argument undercuts a fundamental truth: the mysterious nature and complexity of sexuality. I think sexual orientation is derived from a combination of factors, including genetics and social environment. If one can concede we can never know absolutely everything about the human body and its wonders, how can we presume to be able to simply ascertain what makes up sexual orientation?
In recent interviews, Baxter expressed that she had turbulent relationships with men throughout her life and got to a point to where she didn’t understand why certain things didn’t gel. But embarking on a romance with a woman after her divorce made things fall into place. She obviously knew something was up but just didn’t understand what it was.
So an older man or woman who comes into his or her gayness late in life shouldn’t be looked at as suspect. It’s judgmental to say their previous lives were shams. I’m sure what they had at the time felt right. It’s not simply a phase, escape from boredom, or confusion for most. It’s a realization that happened to come late in life.
I suspect that as the generations advance, we’ll be seeing fewer seniors coming out because our society is tolerant enough to where coming to grips with who you are doesn’t seem a scary, isolated prospect. And we’ll be doing that much earlier in our lives.
Despite the age, I suspect Baxter, McGillis and others are finally feeling comfortable in their own skin. I also suspect they aren’t looking back.
Recently, two once-famous Baby Boomer actresses – Meredith Baxter (“Family Ties”) and Kelly McGillis (“Top Gun”) – came out. It’s worth noting that both women are hovering around 60.
The public reacted with a shrug, perhaps in part because they haven’t been on the pop culture radar in so long. But when I heard, I wondered if their age may bring up a criticism that has been a bane of our existence: We supposedly choose to be gay.
I know many people wonder why if sexual orientation is really innate, then how can people like Baxter and McGillis lead heterosexual lives for decades, then suddenly “decide” they prefer their own gender?
First, we should remember the times these women grew up in. They understood homosexuality to be a “psychological disorder” into their early adulthood. Living a gay life was not presented as a real or legitimate possibility. So even if there were feelings, they likely saw themselves as not being able to act on them and have a happy career or personal life.
Secondly, and more important, that choice vs. birth argument undercuts a fundamental truth: the mysterious nature and complexity of sexuality. I think sexual orientation is derived from a combination of factors, including genetics and social environment. If one can concede we can never know absolutely everything about the human body and its wonders, how can we presume to be able to simply ascertain what makes up sexual orientation?
In recent interviews, Baxter expressed that she had turbulent relationships with men throughout her life and got to a point to where she didn’t understand why certain things didn’t gel. But embarking on a romance with a woman after her divorce made things fall into place. She obviously knew something was up but just didn’t understand what it was.
So an older man or woman who comes into his or her gayness late in life shouldn’t be looked at as suspect. It’s judgmental to say their previous lives were shams. I’m sure what they had at the time felt right. It’s not simply a phase, escape from boredom, or confusion for most. It’s a realization that happened to come late in life.
I suspect that as the generations advance, we’ll be seeing fewer seniors coming out because our society is tolerant enough to where coming to grips with who you are doesn’t seem a scary, isolated prospect. And we’ll be doing that much earlier in our lives.
Despite the age, I suspect Baxter, McGillis and others are finally feeling comfortable in their own skin. I also suspect they aren’t looking back.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
A Matter of Life and Death
We live in a time where we assume certain evils (slavery and the Holocaust come to mind) just will not be replicated or committed in this day and age. After all, we're in the 21st century. We're more enlightened. The world is more integrated and linked than ever. How can something glaringly base and wrong be propagated?
Well, it's 2010 but some things remain the same.
Uganda leaders are proposing a bill that would impose the death penalty on some gay men and women who live there. Yes, sexual orientation would be punishable by death.
It disturbs me somewhat to put a fine point on it, but the proposed legislation specifically targets those who are guilty of "aggravated homosexuality", when one of the participants is a minor, HIV-positive or a "serial offender", which basically includes all of those who simply live as gay men and women without choosing celibacy. And get this: the proposed bill would propose a sentence of no less than three years for someone who knows of "homosexual activity" and fails to report it to the authorities withing 24 hours.
Uganda's ethics and integrity minister (gotta love the irony) has argued that, realistically, the punishment would likely end up being merely life in prison. Well, I guess I was overreacting.
A leading evangelical in Uganda is leading a "million man" march on February 17 to promote the bill and denounce the "scourge" of homosexuality.
The United Nations, not to mention various leaders and gay groups in western countries, have expressed outrage at this. They rightly see that if criminalizing people based on race and gender is considered unthinkable even in most third world countries, how can a notion like this even be remotely entertained?
Perhaps the most disturbing response is the slow one, or lack of one, from U.S. evangelicals, many of whom over the years have forged close spiritual and financial ties with their biblicially conservative African brothers, especially those in Episcopal churches that have been the loudest bill supporters.
Prominent pastors like Rick Warren notoriously kept out of this for months before finally condemning the death penalty notion. Even more conservative American religious leaders have said nothing. Some of the Christian groups most publicly tied to Uganda have been the quietest. Joyce Meyer Ministries, Oral Roberts University, the College of Prayer in Atlanta — all have close ties and declined to express reservations about the death penalty.
Everyone is entitled to his or her view of homosexuality in light of faith or the Bible. But surely, the taking of someone's life because of who he or she is, is a heinous act that should be without debate.
This reminded me of James Byrd, an African-American Texas man who in 1996 was beaten and chained to a truck where he was dragged for three miles to his death by three white racists. The lynching-by-dragging ignited a firestorm but it also raised fears that something like this could happen in that day and age. Then Matthew Shepard was beaten and left hanging to die on a fence post in Wyoming. Suddenly, American society was face-to-face with the hatred in its midst that supposedly was of its past.
This week Uganda's president called for the bill to be withdrawn, saying it was harming the country's foreign policy. The sponsor has refused to do so, and it is expected to be considered in February.
In the age of Obama and a supposedly post-racial society, we can't forget that base fears and hatreds will spawn atrocious acts and policies. And we can't take for granted that we won't need to be vigilant in guarding against all forms of discrimination.
Even if we reach 2810, there will be no utopia. Not as long as there is human nature.
Well, it's 2010 but some things remain the same.
Uganda leaders are proposing a bill that would impose the death penalty on some gay men and women who live there. Yes, sexual orientation would be punishable by death.
It disturbs me somewhat to put a fine point on it, but the proposed legislation specifically targets those who are guilty of "aggravated homosexuality", when one of the participants is a minor, HIV-positive or a "serial offender", which basically includes all of those who simply live as gay men and women without choosing celibacy. And get this: the proposed bill would propose a sentence of no less than three years for someone who knows of "homosexual activity" and fails to report it to the authorities withing 24 hours.
Uganda's ethics and integrity minister (gotta love the irony) has argued that, realistically, the punishment would likely end up being merely life in prison. Well, I guess I was overreacting.
A leading evangelical in Uganda is leading a "million man" march on February 17 to promote the bill and denounce the "scourge" of homosexuality.
The United Nations, not to mention various leaders and gay groups in western countries, have expressed outrage at this. They rightly see that if criminalizing people based on race and gender is considered unthinkable even in most third world countries, how can a notion like this even be remotely entertained?
Perhaps the most disturbing response is the slow one, or lack of one, from U.S. evangelicals, many of whom over the years have forged close spiritual and financial ties with their biblicially conservative African brothers, especially those in Episcopal churches that have been the loudest bill supporters.
Prominent pastors like Rick Warren notoriously kept out of this for months before finally condemning the death penalty notion. Even more conservative American religious leaders have said nothing. Some of the Christian groups most publicly tied to Uganda have been the quietest. Joyce Meyer Ministries, Oral Roberts University, the College of Prayer in Atlanta — all have close ties and declined to express reservations about the death penalty.
Everyone is entitled to his or her view of homosexuality in light of faith or the Bible. But surely, the taking of someone's life because of who he or she is, is a heinous act that should be without debate.
This reminded me of James Byrd, an African-American Texas man who in 1996 was beaten and chained to a truck where he was dragged for three miles to his death by three white racists. The lynching-by-dragging ignited a firestorm but it also raised fears that something like this could happen in that day and age. Then Matthew Shepard was beaten and left hanging to die on a fence post in Wyoming. Suddenly, American society was face-to-face with the hatred in its midst that supposedly was of its past.
This week Uganda's president called for the bill to be withdrawn, saying it was harming the country's foreign policy. The sponsor has refused to do so, and it is expected to be considered in February.
In the age of Obama and a supposedly post-racial society, we can't forget that base fears and hatreds will spawn atrocious acts and policies. And we can't take for granted that we won't need to be vigilant in guarding against all forms of discrimination.
Even if we reach 2810, there will be no utopia. Not as long as there is human nature.
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