Wednesday, October 15, 2008

You Just Keep Me Hanging On

According to Newton’s First Law of Motion, inertia means in part, “A body at rest tends to remain at rest.” It makes me think if Newton also had good insight on relationships.

A couple of friends are going through relationship crises, and the odds of them remaining with their respective partners for long are slimmer than the girls on the new 90210. But perhaps what strikes me the most is that they are in situations where they knew long time ago things weren’t working, but they just don’t act even as they become more miserable.
So why do people remain in bad situations longer than they should?

Madonna and Guy Ritchie announced their split today. However long trouble was brewing, they finally saw it wasn’t worth staying together. But many others don’t follow suit.

So far, my longest relationship has been a year, so this whole phenomenon of being months, or years, past the due date has escaped me if only because of my lack of longevity. But, as a good friend recently pointed out, I also follow my bliss. If I’m not happy or fulfilled, I’m out. I put time into at least seeing if an issue(s) can be worked out before I see an endpoint. But sitting through a bad relationship is like sitting through a bad movie and staying until the credits are over.

One friend in this situation has practically checked out because he realizes he and his partner want very different things, can’t realistically reconcile their needs, and bicker incessantly. But do you think he’s had the sit-down with his partner on if they realistically make each other happy, and if not, how they should end things? Nope! I ask him why he just lest time goes by as if nothing is wrong. I can practically hear the shrug on the phone when he responds repeatedly, “I don’t know.”

Another friend knew shortly after her marriage she made a mistake. Well, it’s more accurate to say she knew before the ceremony. But she’d known him for years, the biological clock was ticking, and she thought she could deal. She can’t. She has never once brought up separation or divorce with her husband, though.

I suspect it’s the whole idea of “Better the devil you know, than the devil you don’t.” You can find security and familiarity even in unhappiness, and sometimes those traits are preferable to the unknown. Being single, even with the promises of freedom and a fresh start, seems scary because you don’t know when or if you’ll find that happiness you’ve been seeking with someone (again). And some people equate longevity with a sense of satisfaction. Regardless of the quality of the relationship, they feel there’s something to be said for having someone who can take care of you if something bad happens or at least will be there when you get home.

Also, even amid the overwhelming issues, there’s this realization that of the love and history with a partner and it feels painful to see that go, even if it’s in the best interest for all involved. I’ve talked with divorced or split-up people who see their break-up as a loss of an investment. Just like with today’s plummeting stocks, there is a nagging feeling that you must hold on to them because they could come back better than ever, and you’d be sorry if you let them go and miss out on the returns

I saw too many marriages in my family where the spouses were not truly happy (and I wondered if they even liked each other). The logical part of me wondered why someone would spend years or decades with someone and be resigned to lack of fulfillment. The unhappiness I saw made happiness a priority I refused to sacrifice.

And I suppose that’s the litmus test. Happiness. Despite relationship issues everyone has, the ideal question to ask is, “Can I remain happy or get happy again?” None of us should be afraid to ask the question and, most important, we shouldn’t be afraid of the answer.