No Country for Old(er) Men

Age ain’t nothing but a number. Well perhaps it’s also a deep bias.

There’s a movie that just opened in Manhattan last weekend that you may find very interesting. The documentary "Chris & Don: A Love Story" traces the relationship of two men who started their remarkably public Hollywood romance in the 1950s. But there’s something about the story that’s even more eye-catching. One was 18, and the other was 48 when they met.

The younger man was artist Don Machardy and the older guy was writer Christopher Isherwood. The relationship lasted until Isherwood’s death in 1986. Great story. But I bet that couple would face as much judgment now as they did back then.

Admit it. If you see a couple where there is a 20-something guy and one in his 40s or 50s, preconceptions immediately crop up in your head. The old fogy is a sugar daddy and/or chicken hawk with an insatiable appetite for young flesh and recapturing his youth. The twinkie is a feckless user with a daddy complex who wants to be taken care of.

Now I’ll admit it. If I’m approached or ogled at by a man who’s clearly 15-plus years older, I’m appalled. I want to swat the back of his hand with his AARP Bulletin because I see it as predatory (it’s funny how an aggressive guy my age or younger wouldn’t automatically elicit the same response.). And I assume he just goes after young guys all the time and I don’t want to be his prey.

I dated briefly a divorced man with two children who was in his 40s. He was attractive and I didn’t mind. But once we went to a restaurant and he held the menu, I dunno, eight feet in front of him to read it. And the reality hit me and he suddenly seemed so…old.

A good friend who’s just north of 40 had to deal with a lot of ribbing from me and some of his other friends when he had a string of dating these late-teen, 20s dudes. Please, I beseeched, find someone who can legally drink. And shoot for someone who can legally rent a car by himself.

Age may be the gay community’s strongest bias in terms of dating, maybe even more than race, which is already a biggie. In part, it’s because those who disparage age differences in couples are rarely corrected or admonished. Compare that to the reaction toward a friend or acquaintance who condemns an interracial couple.

Many of us just can’t believe those May-December couples are together without a suspect reason, fetish, or complex we are allowed to sneer at. After all, what can a hypothetical 25-year-old have in common with a hypothetical 45-year-old?

A middle-aged Brooklyn man I talked with recently told me about his boyfriend, 20 years his junior, and said the age difference is not a problem or a real factor in why they got together. He said they have in common hobbies and, more important, values. He considers himself very social and active and appreciates men who can keep up. His boyfriend values maturity and hates the rigors of the club and bar scene.

Besides, the picture can get nuanced. One DC guy just north of 40 actually complains about younger guys who approach him. They always seem to be flaky twinks who look to older men like him for stability and security instead of establishing those things themselves. Another 50-plus DC man feels assumptions about his motives, hobbies, sexual abilities, etc., are instantly made just upon seeing him.

It’s funny how older, straight men going after younger women are hardly ever shamed (although single women their age may resent a shrinking dating pool because of this). It’s probably because they have very visible role models. Jack Nicholson, Michael Douglas, George Lucas, and Warren Beatty have all dated or married women a generation younger. Yet notice how 30-ish T.R. Knight and his 19-year-old beau have raised eyebrows and inspired some guffaws.

I’ve realized that with the older man I mentioned, we had very different lifestyles. I liked to stay out late and go out to different places. He was a low-key creature of habit, and well-retired from the club scene. But I’ve seen men his age who could keep up with me.

And I realized I generalized too much about age, despite how open-minded I thought I was. And if I ever see "Chris & Don: A Love Story," I won’t snicker.