Solitary Man

Do you remember that screechy treacle of a song from the 1970s “All By Myself” that Celine Dion had the misjudgment to remake in the 90s? That song made me laugh when director Gus Van Sant used it in his satire “To Die For.” Nicole Kidman’s character, at the funeral of her husband, turned on a boom box to play it during the service and telegraph her sadness.

The song, or really the mere title, popped into my head when I chatted with a friend and asked him if he was dating someone. He merely shook his head. Then he added very calmly that he no longer plans his life assuming it will be shared by a significant other. He said not everyone’s lot in life is to have a partner into your twilight years.

It made total sense. Yet that idea is scary to a lot of us. Being alone. Straight or gay, friends and relatives needle single people about their status. “When are you going to settle down?” “When are you going to get partnered, or married?” “Everyone needs someone.” “I’m worried about you.” “What if you get old and there’s no one to take care of you?”

It’s like a reflex with people. I heard some of that in my single periods in between relationships, and I got sick and tired of the supposedly sympathetic gestures. I was never scared of being unattached. Let’s face it. Independence, freedom, and variety can be fun and good. I had to convince people I was fine with singledom, and even then, some thought I was just saying something out of pride.

Yet, I can be a culprit too. When I talk to my single friends, one of the first few questions will likely be if they are dating someone. It’s almost an inborn reaction. I don’t react negatively if they say no, but yet why is it such a priority when there are a thousand other things to talk about?

It may be something innate within us that sees being single as unnatural and even tragic. Look at the Metro Weekly “Coverboy Confidential” section. Over half of the responses to the question of greatest fear are being alone. If a man or woman has friends, family, and financial stability, is not having a boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse a really big void to fill? Ideally, you are a happy person without a relationship, and the other person only adds to your blessings.

It’s rather silly a lot of us are troubled by singledom when all of us have been through it and will face it. After all, unless you’re Jennifer Lopez, you have had space – weeks, months, or even years – between relationships. Who hasn’t had a break-up for a divorce? And even if you are partnered now and it lasts 30, 40 years, one of you will die eventually, and you or the other will be alone. Everyone experiences singledom. So why do we insist on making it scary and daunting?

And isn’t it funny that “alone” is used only in context of a romantic relationship? Is an unpartnered man or woman with a good job, friends and loving family really alone? No, he or she is single or unmarried. Perhaps someone with a fervent goal of a partner and perhaps a family does see being single as an unhappy state because it represents an important goal that’s unfulfilled. That’s fair. Hopefully, that person is not seen as a failure of an ideal.

But people like my friend shouldn’t be pitied in the least. He’s made peace that happiness comes in various ways and if he’s meant to have a mister, it will happen eventually. Until then, he’ll be a happy bachelor and we will talk about a lot more than dating.