The Audacity of Nope

You have to wonder. When they were mere nobody high school lads growing up, were perennial heartthrobs like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, and Mario Lopez already 10’s? Did they have first dibs on the head cheerleader? Did they create their own social caste? And did they not once experience rejection?

That last question is fun to transplant into the gay dating world, where looks are king (or queen?) and there is a firm pecking order when it comes to available men. Someone – and I’m not exactly sure who runs this thing – has created strict rules governing appearance and accessibility. Lines are drawn on how attractive you are and who you are allowed to approach.

It sounds like a demented LGBT version of “Mean Girls,” but that’s the way it goes. Perfectly nice-looking guys get rebuffed by prettier boys who assume they’re better and deserve better. And woe to some of those whose body types and looks are more like Joe the Plumber. And look at how many of us decide whether someone is “in our league” or if we qualify to be “in his league.”

I thought of this during a recent outing with some friends. One of the friends – a handsome and single professional – saw a muscular work of art walk in the bar and so badly wanted to talk to him. But my friend didn’t because he just assumed he would be rejected. After all, this guy was a pretty musclehead and he probably just wants another pretty musclehead. It was a little disturbing to see my friend shortchange himself and what he had to offer under this disturbing dating matrix we fall under.

And the whole thing works in other ways too. I’ve seen plain-looking men refusing to even talk with other plain-looking men because they have their sights set on the hot ones. One former acquaintance, who was OK-looking and overweight, complained about going to a bar and seeing guys who had hot bodies but busted faces. He was a lot more John Goodman than John Stamos, yet he looked over his own lack of perfection while expecting that perfection from others. He lamented that he probably got a lot of no’s because he was fat, but he also admitted he would not date someone who wasn’t thin.

What a conundrum. The 5s and 6s think they are better than their peers and want 9s and 10s. Of course, the 9s and 10s won’t even think about 8s and under. Hell, many of them only want 10s. Some of the 7s and 8s are perfectly happy with other 7s and 8s, but some of the 7s and 8s have a nagging feeling they can do better and ward off the advances of their peers. But even the rejected 7s and 8s won’t dare approach the 6s and below. They have a reputation to keep, and what will people say?

Yes, I know this is not universal law and some of us have taken the red pill and left the disturbing dating matrix, choosing to approach people with respect and, more important, respect for themselves.

But you gotta admit that there are too many of these ratings and appearance rules. We don’t know who started it, but we’re playing along. I’m guilty, too. I’m not a shy person, but on a few occasions in the past, I was intimidated by someone’s body or good looks and I simply admired from afar. And who’s to necessarily say those men wouldn’t have gone out with me?

Some friends have been paralyzed by constant rejection and they have recalibrated their social manners and expectations to fit “reality.” I don’t see that as a very healthy development, but I guess it’s pragmatic. I think someone needs to recalibrate the 1-10 scale. We all could get better results.