The Binds of Matrimony

Take off the earrings and smear on the Vaseline. It’s gearing up to be quite a fight.

I don’t mean Obama vs. McCain, Christie Brinkley vs. her ex, or even Lauren vs. Heidi. I mean the Focus on the Family-type moralists who will do all they can to convince enough California voters in November to defeat gay marriage, a right the California Supreme Court granted in May.

The Court’s historic decision puts something in the grasp of Golden State gays and lesbians that many assumed would always be out of reach. Think of the lesbian couple in their 80s who were the first in the state to tie the knot after 55 years together.

My gay partnered friends in my home state are thrilled about our legal victory. So when are they going to get married? Um, maybe never. So what gives?

“I don’t think it’s for me,” said one of my dearest friends who will soon be celebrating seven years with his beau. “It’s something that never really crossed our minds.”

And considering that he and his boyfriend don’t even live together yet, he added, “It’s going to take us some time to get comfortable with the idea of getting married.” (His gay uncle, partnered for 16 years in Oakland, isn't getting fitted for a tuxedo either.)

Another good friend scoffs at the idea that gays and lesbians must run, not walk, to the nearest church or courthouse to enter into an institution in which heterosexuals still manage to produce a divorce rate that hovers at nearly 50%.

He’s been with his partner eight years and they enjoy rights under California’s domestic partnership laws. He doesn’t need “a piece of paper” to legitimize the relationship.

A lawyer acquaintance has been with his live-in partner for two years and, you guessed it, has no marriage plans. He is thrilled with the state’s ruling and figures the more straights see gays as neighbors, co-workers and now married folks, the more they see us as just like everyone else.

“It’s nice to have this ability. But perhaps the biggest thing is having the right without necessarily having to exercise it now,” he said.

The door to an important right is open but some of us are opting to not walk through it. On the surface, it seems almost illogical to not take advantage of this opportunity. But our history and place in society provides answers that have a lot of nuance.

First of all, if more than half of California voters pass the anti-gay marriage November referendum, then the rug would cruelly be pulled out from under us, perhaps indefinitely. And even if gay couples who wedded before the vote can legally retain those marriage rights, those rights feel perishable.

Second, many of us grew up assuming marriage would not be an option, so we conditioned ourselves to not calculate that into our lifetime goals. Suddenly having this opportunity option throws a lot of us and it feels like learning to walk all over again. Few of us have gay marriages to use as models for our unique circumstances, so marriage still feels alien. For many of us, living together is our marriage and it’s enough for us.

Third, this country has allowed religious institutions to shape and define marriage both as an institution and as a ceremony, and we know how much these institutions typically just love our kind. My boyfriend pointed out that marriage should be first and foremost thought of as a civil right for everyone. The equation of religion makes marriage understandably unpalatable.

Fourth, some of us – likely more gay men than women – enjoy sexual and romantic freedom from heterosexual conventions and spurn the notion of marriage and/or children as the “inevitable” next step.

Lastly, like the lawyer told me, “Marriage is a very big commitment.” Just because someone has been with his/her partner for x years doesn’t make marriage right or best for them. Look at straight couples who’ve spent many years together before marrying or opting not to get married for whatever reasons.

Besides if gays get married solely because the option is there and they like the idea of shoving a marriage certificate in a homophobe’s face to prove they are on equal ground, then those rewards are limited. Marriage can’t force validation and respect from society.

Because if my boyfriend and I could legally marry in California and bring those rights back to DC, we would still feel unsafe holding hands in certain neighborhoods and still get stares from people as we did looking at the cherry blossoms last spring.

So if you don’t see a gay man or woman jump into planning a wedding, don’t assume he or she is afraid of commitment. The marriage right is important because it is wrong for us to be second-class citizens. But the plunge should only come because a couple truly wants it.