Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Imagine sex.

Now imagine not having sex. On purpose. For over three months. And did I mention you were in the prime of your life in this scenario?

Try to wipe the incredulous grimace or frown from your face. One young New York City man is doing this as we speak. But perhaps his endeavor will teach a lot of us something about sexuality and the emphasis gay culture places on it.

New Yorker Vince Sandoval started a blog called “Better Than Sex: Or Things To Do In New York City Without Sex.” [Go to http://betterthansexnyc.wordpress.com/] He details daily activities, many of them offbeat, which range from silent dates to museum jaunts to dressing up as a fierce female soccer player. The common denominator is that he’s not having sex. Even the cuddle party he just went to and chronicled outlawed dry-humping.

The Manila, Philippines, transplant moved to NYC just a few years ago but he quickly grew tired of the casual sex and drug use that was sometimes very pronounced in the gay world, wondering of anybody wanted to actually date – sober. Vince likes having fun just like anybody else, but wasn’t there more to do besides trick, barhop, and shop?

“The culture here was so different and felt increasingly empty,” he said. “I wanted to step back from that and see things from a whole different perspective.”

So he got the idea of having a 100-day sex moratorium. But why not make it fun and do new, often-unexplored things in New York? His adventures have also included going to a Turkish bath and city hall to see if he could spy a marriage ceremony in progress. The day Vince went he actually was asked to be a witness to the wedding of an Irish couple.

“In New York, you can have the time of your life,” he said. “I wanted to show people what the city has to offer. It’s been a whole exciting adventure.”

Vince’s female friends thought it was a cool idea. His gay male friends either thought he was sneaking sex on the side or just went crazy. It’s funny how Vince’s pledge of temporary celibacy, which admittedly was tested during the summer’s Gay Pride with its many shirtless and sweaty studs, seems so outrageous to many of us. If a gay man tells someone he waits until several dates to have sex, there usually is an involuntary rolling of the eyes or a chuckle. Some of us think the very idea seems so quaint – and lame.

I’m now happily in a committed relationship. But when I was single, I was very, very single. I never really thought about why. We can’t deny some force mandates and cajoles us to believe casual sex is a requirement, something we’re “supposed” to do and will be judged harshly for if we don’t. I remember an ex-boyfriend berating me on vacation for not hooking up with someone yet after a few days. Can I sightsee first, please?

But is it possible to have a healthy sex life, without sex seeming to be the most important thing all the time? I’m in a glass house and will not throw stones by suggesting a limit or cap on activity. We all have needs. But if our social lives are very sex-centered, it’s worth asking the why. We may find it’s a fear of commitment, or the maintenance of an image or reputation, for example. And are those good things to encourage?

What I figured out is that a key is balance. Is 90% of my free time in a bar or club trying to get laid? Or am I also doing other things with my time? In my singledom, I dated a lot. But I also wrote fiction, volunteered with charity groups, traveled, attended concerts and theater, read lots of books, visited museums and galleries, hiked, and watched movies.

And like Vince told me, it’s nice to spend some time having witty repartee with someone than just figuring out if you will be going to your place or his. Our biggest priorities, even when sex is among them, don’t take up all our time, attention, and space. There’s room for other things so we don’t lose perspective. Vince left me with these words:

“When you really make the effort and separate yourself from mainstream culture…you can find something else you can be passionate about.”