Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Below the Surface

Since e-Harmony doesn’t want us, perhaps it’s time more of us who are relationship-oriented and seeking potential partners took the law of romance into our own hands.

That’s what psychotherapist Ken Page did over four years ago. The New Yorker led retreats on personal growth and wondered if there was a less superficial way for gay men and women to meet.

Out of the Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community Center in Manhattan, he led a workshop called “Deeper Dating” one day in 2004. Just like the format that endures to this day, the event started with a talk on sexuality, intimacy, and spirituality and then led to social exercises where participants mingle and share personal feelings and insights with others. Each attendee was allowed to give a paper with a name and phone number to 10 other people, who had to accept the contact information but were not obligated to have to go out with that person.

Some 100 gay men attended the original workshop. On average, Page says, 50 people monthly turn out now for Deeper Dating in New York, which is always led by a trained clinician. (Page stopped leading the exercises but oversees the program.)

“It’s like speed dating with soul,” Page said. “I thought I’d do it once but people didn’t want to leave. People just don’t realize there’s a gentler way to do this.”

Deeper Dating (http://www.deeperdating.com/) promotes the idea that a desire for a substantial relationship also entails having deeper personal values, such as a sense of community. And unless we choose lovers – and friends for that matter – with similar values, Page believes, we will feel out of place and possibly lose a shot at happiness.

So far Deeper Dating is also in Provincetown, Boston, and New Jersey. (There have also been versions created for straights, lesbians, and bears at last count.) DC may be on the list sometime in the future. I think a lot of Washingtonians would welcome it.

Offhand, the premise of Deeper Dating may sound too Oprah-ish and feel-good for some folks. Values? Feelings? In some ways that flies against the currency of the gay modern dating world where cynicism and superficiality often muscle each other out for first place.

But there are plenty of us who have grown tired of what the dating and club scene has to offer. And from what I’ve been hearing anecdotally, match.com – which allows gay and lesbian online dating profiles unlike e-Harmony – hasn’t seemed to be the golden ticket for some subscribers.

Page said the idea for Deeper Dating percolated after a talk with his best friend on the travails of relationships, which made him realize that dating wouldn’t work with men whose values he didn’t share. So he set to work on designing a dating forum that would put emphasis on personality, feelings and values, what Page fancies as “re-learning dating skills.” He also feels Deeper Dating helps people avoid the tendency to create an “airbrushed” version of who they really are to try to impress people.

Sessions, for example, focus on not just going after others you find attractive, but conversing with someone who may not be your physical ideal, yet who shapes up to be interesting and inspiring. Attendees answer questions such as which faraway friend or family member is very important to their lives and why, so others get a better sense of their priorities and thoughts.

“The conventional wisdom is that you have to improve yourself, like lose weight,” he said. “The task is not to improve ourselves but be ourselves.”

Page, who has an adopted son and is still single, said this emphasis on relationships has helped him in his dating life. He is much braver about approaching people, and less afraid to let men know he’s interested.

“The people I date now are so much better people,” he said. “I wanted an event where people show the best part of themselves.”