Come Out Come Out, Wherever You Are

When Clay Aiken broke the news to People magazine last week that he was gay, my initial reaction was laughter.

What’s next, I thought. Brooke Hogan issuing a media advisory announcing that she’s stupid? George Clooney holding a press conference to declare he’s marriage-shy?

And then Lindsay Lohan confirmed her relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson in a radio interview last week. I checked my calendar to see if this was Celebrity National Coming Out Week. It wasn’t. But the rash of declarations made me wonder if they have any influence of regular Joe and Janes who are still firmly in the closet.

I have several gay friends who are not out to family, most friends, and/or co-workers. What’s more, many will stay that way indefinitely. The reasons vary. Some worry coming out will end relationships with conservative loved ones. Some want to stay above identification with the gay world or what people perceive that world to be, so it becomes an image issue. Some just see sexual orientation as a privacy issue. Others think making a declaration is tantamount to making a fuss and if they date the same gender, so what?

I don’t automatically knock reasons because each person’s situation is particular and what may seem illegitimate on the outside may not be so in one’s reality. After all, my coming out was a process. I revealed my orientation to various people over a period of time, starting with ones I assumed would be the most open-minded. And I’ve never been a Michaelaneglo Signorile type, wanting every LGBT person to be out if not at first by choice, then by force.

But I can say that being closeted for me was living a double life, and it became wearying to edit myself in certain company, change pronouns (or evade them), nod at untrue assumptions made by people, or uncharacteristically close down upon questioning. I became different versions of myself, and I wanted it to stop.

Besides, doesn’t not being out have a root in a fear and shame of gayness? And isn’t omission of an important fact lying? My belief in this rankles some of my closeted kin because they see it as harshly judgmental. They see it as I’m essentially calling them spineless wussies who care too much about what other people think, and the truth is trickier than that.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the vast majority of these people are older than me (sometimes more than a decade). They still remember when the American Psychological Association had homosexuality on the books as a mental illness, and coming out led to forever dissolved relationships. It still happens now but perhaps at lower rates now that gays are an inescapable influence on and presence in mainstream culture and there are more progressive minds out there.

But being out changes minds. I’ve experienced this firsthand as my being gay has forced some family and a few friends to rethink things. When an issue becomes personalized, things are taken to a new level. This hit home as I work on a story about religion and sexuality. One source discussed how a gay Christian just being out in a congregation (no politics or declaration, just being honest) can itself have an impact with that person’s family and friends, as well as fellow members who may not so easily demonize gays when one is sitting next to them, worshipping the same God and giving the same tithes.

The personal experience is what led Aiken to decide to come out (publicly). He told People he didn’t want his newborn baby to grow up and feel it was OK to lie or hide things. If he was worried about losing fans or getting angry e-mails from homophobes before, he's not anymore.

Perhaps the question we all need to ask is what’s really at stake from coming out and what's the benefit of remaining silent? I got over the fear of losing people. I want people in my life who support me and accept me for who I am. The rest can drift because if they don’t edify my life anyway, why be so worried about their absence?

Being closeted in different degrees may or may not generate a sense of turmoil for said person. I just hope whatever the scale of coming out is for each person, that the person has peace of mind.