The idea of gender wars dawned on me as I sat last weekend to watch one of the movies that was part of Reel Affirmations, the LGBT film festival in DC. A man took the podium to briefly introduce the movie. He said something to the effect of, “Enjoy the show, gentlemen.”
Here’s the problem. There was at least one woman in attendance, and she was sitting in my row. I looked over and she just laughed it off. It was easy to see that because the movie was male-dominated, the speaker assumed the audience was all gay men.
I could give the speaker grief, but who can blame him? Socially, LGBT men and women segregate themselves. It’s like we take great pains to create our distinct spaces and never the twain shall meet.
Reel Affirmations always supports this. How many times have we men looked through the festival guide and immediately skipped over films starring women? One year, I suggested a lesbian-themed movie to a friend while we were sitting in the audience waiting for another movie to start. He responded with a “Yuck!” and seemingly ignored the lesbian behind him who could have beaten him up with one hand tied behind her back. But many women are guilty, too. If it ain’t The L Word, they ain’t going!
To some degree, separation makes sense. I largely think of bars. After all, men and women want very different things. And yes, perhaps there are quirks and facets of gay male life that lesbians aren’t frankly interested in, and vice versa. I understand issues of interests and preferences
But that doesn’t explain why you’d be hard pressed to go to restaurants, movies, museums, almost anywhere, and see a group of gay men and women together. Most gay men I know – and I’m including myself – have few if any lesbian friends. And the same goes for gay women.
This shows that there is pervasive gender segregation in the LGBT community. My volunteer work, including the mixers my group sponsors, is really the only time I see everyone fraternizing. And even then, there’s not full integration. Often, many of the volunteer groups I join to help out a particular cause are 90-95% men. One time, I helped out at the Mautner Project just for a change in scenery.
Frankly, many gay men and women don’t care about this. But in my mind, separation can breed animosity, distrust and misunderstanding. Considering that we’re a persecuted minority, is it healthy for the genders to so willfully separate and refuse to integrate? Don’t we need to be, or at least feel, more united?
My theory is that a lot of us don’t start the gay journey determined to cut ourselves off from the other gender(s). But as we venture out to bars, clubs, and parties to create a social network, we tend to stick to a familiar path. If our social life foundation starts in a gender-exclusive environment, it probably doesn’t branch out too far from that. A lot of gay men, for example are just satisfied with other men and the requisite fag hags. If you mention lesbians, you get eye rolls or ugly faces.
I’m going to challenge myself to be more inclusive in my social circle. Just watching and thoroughly enjoying the new liberal star Rachel Maddow on MSNBC, I became an instant fan and found myself thinking, “I’d like to be friends with someone like that.”
But I also have to overcome attitudes. Just look how I started this column with the idea of “gender war.” I guess I assume gay men and women will be perpetually at odds.
Showing posts with label lesbian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lesbian. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Kissing A Fool
(Note: I was on vacation last week so I post this a day early to atone)
Every so often, a musical artist will come along and sing something that’s supposedly controversial and s/he gets kudos and attention for being “edgy.”
Katy Perry is one of those artists. If you don’t know the name, you surely have heard the song, “I Kissed a Girl.” I’ll admit it’s catchy, although she ripped off the exact same title from singer Jill Sobule, whose 1995 song authentically raised eyebrows for its time.
On the surface, Katy seems to be celebrating same-gender intimacy, trying on the veneer of the high school outcast rebel who boldly walks on the wild side and doesn’t give a damn what her classmates and teachers think.
Instead she’s indulging in a few of the hoariest gay stereotypes ever.
The hook, always the easiest part of a song to remember and sing along with, just describes a girl buzzed on alcohol who hopes locking lips with a cherry-Chapstick-wearing hottie doesn’t make her boyfriend mad. And she takes pains to emphasize she’s “not in love.” But the second verse is what really bothers me. Check it out.
No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
Where do I begin?
On the surface, it’s tempting to applaud a presumably straight singer for “daring” to sing about a gay kiss. We’re assuming she must be cool with it – and gay people – if she sings about it. Artists like her sneakily advance our cause in the pop culture realm, and thus the attitudes and social mores of the general listeners, by trumpeting girl-on-girl action like it’s not a big thing, so some might say. She may even be a Girl Power advocate – an honorary Spice Girl.
But dig deeper, like a college writing teacher used to beseech to me and my classmates. First, I am so over seeing gays and lesbians reduced to experiments and games from those who want to test drive all afternoon but not sign the lease. This makes gays seem like an exotic adventure and worse, an overcoat that can just be slipped on and off.
That kind of mentality fuels the false thinking that gayness is not an orientation but just a lifestyle that can be temporarily adopted or chosen, which is still the way of thought by several family members of mine even as they say they accept me.
And what is it with this not being how “good” girls should behave? Sure, let’s paint lesbianism with a forbidden shade, as if it’s a gasp-inducing, OMG sin to share a same-sex kiss. Even as Katy purports to be liberated by the experience, she confesses to be scandalized by it at the same time.
Being edgy means behind ahead of the curve, not woefully behind it. Nowadays a same-sex smooch is merely a secondary plotline on Gossip Girls and likely the main reason viewers flock to MTV’s A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila. Of course there is always homophobia and backward thinking, but the currency of presenting things like this as shamefully illicit has long dropped in value.
Of course Katy Perry fans can argue that she (and the songwriters) is only presenting the kiss as a shock to show how ridiculous it is to place a sense of scandal on same-sex intimacy, thus making regressive souls re-think their assumptions and prejudices.
Look, I don’t know the girl. But I feel confident enough to bet $1,000 she’s not that clever and subversive by half. What’s more likely is that she and her record company wanted to release a tune with a title they knew would pique curiosity – and attract airplay and sales.
After all, the video conveniently declines to actually show her smooching an actual girl. So she’s big and bad enough to sing about it, but becomes too timid to actually show it. Whatever.
Flirting with gay territory has brought Katy a hit. Now I’m waiting for a song that describes a same-sex relationship with truthfulness, humor, depth, and cleverness and presents it as completely normal.
Now that would be edgy.
Every so often, a musical artist will come along and sing something that’s supposedly controversial and s/he gets kudos and attention for being “edgy.”
Katy Perry is one of those artists. If you don’t know the name, you surely have heard the song, “I Kissed a Girl.” I’ll admit it’s catchy, although she ripped off the exact same title from singer Jill Sobule, whose 1995 song authentically raised eyebrows for its time.
On the surface, Katy seems to be celebrating same-gender intimacy, trying on the veneer of the high school outcast rebel who boldly walks on the wild side and doesn’t give a damn what her classmates and teachers think.
Instead she’s indulging in a few of the hoariest gay stereotypes ever.
The hook, always the easiest part of a song to remember and sing along with, just describes a girl buzzed on alcohol who hopes locking lips with a cherry-Chapstick-wearing hottie doesn’t make her boyfriend mad. And she takes pains to emphasize she’s “not in love.” But the second verse is what really bothers me. Check it out.
No, I don't even know your name
It doesn't matter
You're my experimental game
Just human nature
It's not what good girls do
Not how they should behave
My head gets so confused
Hard to obey
Where do I begin?
On the surface, it’s tempting to applaud a presumably straight singer for “daring” to sing about a gay kiss. We’re assuming she must be cool with it – and gay people – if she sings about it. Artists like her sneakily advance our cause in the pop culture realm, and thus the attitudes and social mores of the general listeners, by trumpeting girl-on-girl action like it’s not a big thing, so some might say. She may even be a Girl Power advocate – an honorary Spice Girl.
But dig deeper, like a college writing teacher used to beseech to me and my classmates. First, I am so over seeing gays and lesbians reduced to experiments and games from those who want to test drive all afternoon but not sign the lease. This makes gays seem like an exotic adventure and worse, an overcoat that can just be slipped on and off.
That kind of mentality fuels the false thinking that gayness is not an orientation but just a lifestyle that can be temporarily adopted or chosen, which is still the way of thought by several family members of mine even as they say they accept me.
And what is it with this not being how “good” girls should behave? Sure, let’s paint lesbianism with a forbidden shade, as if it’s a gasp-inducing, OMG sin to share a same-sex kiss. Even as Katy purports to be liberated by the experience, she confesses to be scandalized by it at the same time.
Being edgy means behind ahead of the curve, not woefully behind it. Nowadays a same-sex smooch is merely a secondary plotline on Gossip Girls and likely the main reason viewers flock to MTV’s A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila. Of course there is always homophobia and backward thinking, but the currency of presenting things like this as shamefully illicit has long dropped in value.
Of course Katy Perry fans can argue that she (and the songwriters) is only presenting the kiss as a shock to show how ridiculous it is to place a sense of scandal on same-sex intimacy, thus making regressive souls re-think their assumptions and prejudices.
Look, I don’t know the girl. But I feel confident enough to bet $1,000 she’s not that clever and subversive by half. What’s more likely is that she and her record company wanted to release a tune with a title they knew would pique curiosity – and attract airplay and sales.
After all, the video conveniently declines to actually show her smooching an actual girl. So she’s big and bad enough to sing about it, but becomes too timid to actually show it. Whatever.
Flirting with gay territory has brought Katy a hit. Now I’m waiting for a song that describes a same-sex relationship with truthfulness, humor, depth, and cleverness and presents it as completely normal.
Now that would be edgy.
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