Secret Santa

Someone once said you spend Thanksgiving with the people you want to, and Christmas with the people you have to. You’re blessed if those two audiences are one in the same.

For me, the gatherings are almost always different for each holiday, but it’s not due to drama. It’s mainly because a) I prefer not to leave town on Thanksgiving (the day before is the busiest travel day of the year and I like my sanity), and b) I have such a big family on both sides, I rotate my destinations to try to see everyone.

Most of my friends have asked if my partner is going with me back home to L.A. He’s not, because of his work schedule. But my family knows about him and many will eventually meet him. Most of his family now knows me, and I spent Thanksgiving with all of them and enjoyed it.

But many gay couples will never have to think about this scenario. Because one is a secret from the other’s family.

An informal survey across my friends reveals something remarkable: many of them have not told their families about their long-term relationships, even as they hit the 5-year mark and beyond. So you can guess the holidays are resolutely a separate affair for them. But does this kind of arrangement devalue the relationship?

Family is tricky in of itself, let alone when you bring a boyfriend or girlfriend to the equation. You feel like you spend a lifetime learning the complicated rhythms and personalities of your family members, and how they can be incorporated into your life. And your plus-one may not be able to blend into that scene well. That alone can make someone hesitant to bring in a veritable in-law.

Some others have a more tangible fear. Their family may consist of conservatives, religious or otherwise, who would virtually disown them for their gayness. Or maybe the family is abusive or dysfunctional to where they don’t want to bring the unsuspecting partner into a dark milieu.

But an informal survey of friends and acquaintances doesn’t uncover such drastic scenarios save a very few exceptions. It frankly seems to be an extension of how out they are in general, and how comfortable they are making their homosexuality known.

My question, though, is how long can you keep your partner from the family, or be hidden from your partner’s family? And what purpose does it serve in the long run?

I can see if you’ve only dated someone several months, and don’t know the long-term potential. You don’t want to do the family rounds and then break up shortly afterward.

For me, keeping a partner in the closet for a long time is putting fear, pride, and a desire for acceptance above your relationship. And is that the priority list you want? Conceivably, a family member can scorn you for your career choices or your style of dress. So are you going to keep everything you think might elicit the slightest bit of disapproval away from the family to “keep the peace”? When does it stop?

When I bring this argument up to a few friends who fit the scenario, they bristle and see the words “closeted” and “fear” as judgmental. Their ears hear me saying that they are cowardly wusses. It’s complicated, they say, and I wouldn’t understand. One friend years ago said that it’s “not important” his family knows. Another unabashedly said he would never introduce a boyfriend to his family to avoid a sense of shame and discomfort that would be generated, even if it meant losing that boyfriend eventually.

Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve met many men who are out to their friends, and maybe even co-workers. But family is still put behind the great wall, essentially creating a double life. One argument is you can get new friends, but not new family members. So even if prejudices fuel tensions and divides that may arrive due to sexuality or a relationship, it’s better to avoid that situation. Blood is thicker than water.

But if your long-term partner is as important in your life as a parent or sibling, why keep those important parts painfully separate? Sooner or later, there has to be a breaking point. I mean, will someone tolerate a 10-year closeted relationship? Will you be age 50 or 55 before you officially out your relationship? And isn’t that a teeny bit ridiculous?

Oddly, I know situations where one is out, but the other is not. So while the couple is enmeshed with one family, you only hear crickets on the other side. I can’t help but think that eventually the out person is going to feel resentful and throw down the gauntlet.

Sometimes, outside factors motivate outing the relationship – a prime example is if one or both has children. If the other person is serious, you scarcely can spend time with the kids and leave out the significant other.

If someone is bent on having separate holidays and separate lives, I can’t convert them. But they’re missing something good. Why talk about the turkey dinner and the glee from unwrapped gifts over the phone, when you can be there in person?

Come Out Come Out, Wherever You Are

When Clay Aiken broke the news to People magazine last week that he was gay, my initial reaction was laughter.

What’s next, I thought. Brooke Hogan issuing a media advisory announcing that she’s stupid? George Clooney holding a press conference to declare he’s marriage-shy?

And then Lindsay Lohan confirmed her relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson in a radio interview last week. I checked my calendar to see if this was Celebrity National Coming Out Week. It wasn’t. But the rash of declarations made me wonder if they have any influence of regular Joe and Janes who are still firmly in the closet.

I have several gay friends who are not out to family, most friends, and/or co-workers. What’s more, many will stay that way indefinitely. The reasons vary. Some worry coming out will end relationships with conservative loved ones. Some want to stay above identification with the gay world or what people perceive that world to be, so it becomes an image issue. Some just see sexual orientation as a privacy issue. Others think making a declaration is tantamount to making a fuss and if they date the same gender, so what?

I don’t automatically knock reasons because each person’s situation is particular and what may seem illegitimate on the outside may not be so in one’s reality. After all, my coming out was a process. I revealed my orientation to various people over a period of time, starting with ones I assumed would be the most open-minded. And I’ve never been a Michaelaneglo Signorile type, wanting every LGBT person to be out if not at first by choice, then by force.

But I can say that being closeted for me was living a double life, and it became wearying to edit myself in certain company, change pronouns (or evade them), nod at untrue assumptions made by people, or uncharacteristically close down upon questioning. I became different versions of myself, and I wanted it to stop.

Besides, doesn’t not being out have a root in a fear and shame of gayness? And isn’t omission of an important fact lying? My belief in this rankles some of my closeted kin because they see it as harshly judgmental. They see it as I’m essentially calling them spineless wussies who care too much about what other people think, and the truth is trickier than that.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the vast majority of these people are older than me (sometimes more than a decade). They still remember when the American Psychological Association had homosexuality on the books as a mental illness, and coming out led to forever dissolved relationships. It still happens now but perhaps at lower rates now that gays are an inescapable influence on and presence in mainstream culture and there are more progressive minds out there.

But being out changes minds. I’ve experienced this firsthand as my being gay has forced some family and a few friends to rethink things. When an issue becomes personalized, things are taken to a new level. This hit home as I work on a story about religion and sexuality. One source discussed how a gay Christian just being out in a congregation (no politics or declaration, just being honest) can itself have an impact with that person’s family and friends, as well as fellow members who may not so easily demonize gays when one is sitting next to them, worshipping the same God and giving the same tithes.

The personal experience is what led Aiken to decide to come out (publicly). He told People he didn’t want his newborn baby to grow up and feel it was OK to lie or hide things. If he was worried about losing fans or getting angry e-mails from homophobes before, he's not anymore.

Perhaps the question we all need to ask is what’s really at stake from coming out and what's the benefit of remaining silent? I got over the fear of losing people. I want people in my life who support me and accept me for who I am. The rest can drift because if they don’t edify my life anyway, why be so worried about their absence?

Being closeted in different degrees may or may not generate a sense of turmoil for said person. I just hope whatever the scale of coming out is for each person, that the person has peace of mind.